


This Blood Is Not My Own

by BlueNation



Series: Dick Grayson in New York City [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, White Collar
Genre: Gen, Neal Caffrey is Dick Grayson, Self-Hatred, Superheroes, Vigilantism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 08:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5777947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueNation/pseuds/BlueNation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the blood rushing through his veins didn’t even feel like his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Blood Is Not My Own

Sometimes, the blood rushing through his veins didn’t even feel like his own.

 

If someone were to test it, they would find it belongs to Neal George Caffrey, confidence man, forger and alleged thief. He  _ was _ Neal George Caffrey, but he  _ wasn’t.  _ Neal George Caffrey hated violence, didn’t like guns and loved art. He also had a tendency to take things that weren’t necessarily his. So, yes, he was Neal George Caffrey, but he wasn’t.

 

He just wore the name. 

 

Neal Caffrey was the opposite of who he really was. Sure, they were alike in some ways. Like the way they both had too much confidence for their own good, or the way their bright blue eyes would shine with pride when they pulled off something the rest of the world thought was insane, or even the way they would look at their boss, with immense respect.

 

Neal was a kid who idolized a false god. 

 

Dick Grayson was his real name. He was a kid from Gotham, and he was far from home. Peter was a great friend, he even made him feel at home sometimes, but he was a friend to Neal Caffrey. It’s a shame Neal Caffrey didn’t exist.

 

When - not if, because Peter was smarter than that - he found out that Neal was Dick, he would surely never speak to him again, and Dick didn’t blame him, because he had wasted years of Peter’s life.

 

On the rare occasions Dick could manipulate the anklet - not that he couldn’t, it just made him feel guilty - and could bring himself to change into the blue and black suit, he would purposely catch a few punches to the face, and maybe he’d let a knife graze his side. He would never tell Bruce, or Mozzie, or any of his siblings, but he sometimes sat in the dark apartment and watched the blood. 

 

He could never bring himself to cut his own skin, but he was secretly grateful when he came home with bruises or cracked ribs. It was a reminder of who he was. Neal Caffrey would never be a vigilante, because he hates violence. Dick Grayson, on the other hand, loves the rush he gets from punching a criminal in the face. Dick doesn’t hate violence, because he knew that sometimes it was necessary.

 

Dick liked the suits. They were a similarity, a connection between his two lives. He found some comfort in the fact that he was showing a part of himself; his real self. 

 

One day, they were sitting in the conference room, in a meeting when a familiar face appeared on the screen and Neal almost -  _ almost _ \- broke.

 

Tony Zucco. The man who killed his parents. 

 

Apparently, he had escaped from prison, and Gotham PD asked the New York FBI - why the white collar unit, who knows - to help find him. Jones noticed his expression before anyone else.

 

“You okay, Neal?” 

 

_ Neal  _ not Dick. Tony Zucco killed Dick’s parents, not Neal’s. There was no reason for Neal to hate this man. So he smiled, pretended he wasn’t thinking about vengeance, and confirmed that, yes,  _ Neal _ was fine. 

 

So Neal spent the rest of the meeting clenching his fists under table and smiling at his co-workers to assure them that he was fine. No, he wasn’t mad, and no, he didn’t need to get some air. Dick spent the rest of the meeting planning out how exactly to get this man back in prison, where he belongs. He wasn’t mad either, but no one would ask about him, because they couldn’t see Dick Grayson. They only saw his criminal disguise.

 

Looking around, he saw what his lies had become. He planted one seed years ago and it had grown into a forest of deceit. These people all thought he was something he was not. They thought he was a friend, a good person, they thought he was Neal Caffrey.

 

He studied the screen once more. Tony Zucco was staring back at him, mocking the last living Grayson. His sick grin was like a promise to burn down the forest of lies. His heart sped up, blood that wasn’t his rushing through his body. 

 

Back in his apartment, Dick sat in the dark, something that he was starting to do a lot. He wondered if he got that from Bruce. He washed away all thoughts of Tony Zucco with a bottle of whisky. The bottle was gone, and he had nothing to keep Zucco away. 

 

He turned the bottle in his hands and laughed darkly. “Neal doesn’t like whisky.”

 

The bottle shattered against a wall on the other side of the apartment, glass falling to the floor and glimmering like the snow that fell in Gotham. Even in the dark apartment, Dick could see himself in the mirror near his bed.

 

He walked towards it slowly. He met his reflection’s eyes and growled. The man in the mirror was not him, he was an impostor parading around in his skin. That night, he decided he hated Neal Caffrey.  The mirror shattered under the force of his fist. Dick stared at his hand, transfixed by the blood coating his hands.

 

Maybe if he listened, he could hear Neal scolding him, telling him that Peter would notice the cuts on his knuckles. Maybe if he cared, he would have left that night, packed up his stuff and gone back to Gotham. Maybe if he looked, he would see that Peter would understand.

  
Dick Grayson always was bad at seeing what was right in front of him.


End file.
